My testimony: I walked away from God and came back

I have another story to tell. This time it’s the story of how even though I was raised in a Christian home, I walked away from God but came back. I was born on December 25, 2001 in Overland Park, Kansas to missionaries to France and my dad is a pastor, so I grew up in a Christian home, yet I had a twisted understanding of God which contributed to my doubt in Christianity. I first became saved and asked Jesus into my heart when I was 6 years after watching a Christian DVD series and became baptized at the same age. A few years later I began asking life’s big questions. According to my dad when I was 8 years old, I asked something like,” Dad, how do we know that the Bible is the word of God and how do we know that Christianity is true and that other religions aren’t?” Up until the time I was a teenager, I never shied away from asking these types of difficult questions.

Here is a photo I have of me when I was in kindergarten or first grade at the Louisville Zoo in 2009.

My depression and anxiety began when I was in middle school due to the fact that I was in a very academically intense Christian school that I had been in since kindergarten and eventually left after 8^th grade. My depression and anxiety were bad enough that I had to start taking medication for them during middle school. (At one point it my life, it got worse and I had to take 5 medications daily.) My middle school memories are not pleasant from my homework almost always being late to swearing at the principal’s face when I got sent to her office. Due to the intense academic environment, I determined my self-worth based on how good I was at academics or how well I did in school. I could have scored A’s and B’s in school and it would still not be good enough since my classmate’s grades were always higher than mine. I remember having many suicidal thoughts, wishing that I was dead, and never came into existence. When I was in 6^th or 7^th grade, I had a feud with another boy in my class, I eventually wound up doing something that was wrongly motivated, and it upset my entire class and from the moment on I no longer really had many friends at my former school anymore. Because my classmates were now more hostile towards me, I started feeling lonely and it made my depression and anxiety worse.

A selfie of me taken when I was in 8th grade in 2017.

After I left that school, I remember going to a youth camp in 2017 that eventually led me to being an atheist/agnostic. The theme for the camp was about being fearless. I remember the speaker talking about the results “bowing down” to fear. He said that bowing down to fear is the reason one gets depressed. Later that night, another speaker talked about how he had to take multiple medications due to his traumatic childhood, but God healed him, so he no longer has to take his medication. He later said that the problem was that he trusted his medication more than he trusted Jesus. Upon hearing this, it made me believe that the reason that I was depressed and the reason that have to take medication is because I am bowing down to fear. I then decided to quit taking my medication, but it didn’t take long (2 days I think) for the exact same side-affects that happen when I don’t take my medication to happen. This moment led me to question Christianity even more and become more hostile to Christianity as well as the organization that hosted the camp. I would wonder and ask,” if God loves us and is all powerful than why won’t he just heal me, so that I won’t have to take my medication?” Because of this moment I became an atheist/agnostic.

As an atheist/agnostic, I had come to the conclusion that maybe God is real, maybe he isn’t but even if he is than it’s irrelevant. What made me come to such a conclusion? The answer is what I was taught about God. I didn’t know what it was called at the time, but I later realized that I was exposed to the teachings of prosperity theology. The main teachings of this doctrine that I was exposed to were, the fact that it is always the will of God to heal and if one doesn’t get healed it is due to a lack of faith and having the ability to speak things into existence. I used to believe this as a child, until I started to really read the Bible last year at age 18 and finished reading the entire Bible on February 6^th, 2021. When I came across the Bible verses that I heard people use to justify their doctrine, I realized that all of the verses that I heard them frequently use were taken out of context. The other false teaching I was exposed to was having the ability to speak things into existence. Since I only questioned the existence of God when things were bad, I realized that I was “following” Jesus for the wrong reasons. I was following him so I could get whatever I wanted. It was almost like God was like Santa Claus to me. I was taught at a young age that if I just pray and have faith than I can get whatever I want. It took me literally years to get rid of that doctrinal mindset. I one time saw a sign in a coffee shop saying, “If we only believe in God when things are good, then we don’t really believe in God at all.” I could go on and write about why I strongly disagree with this doctrine, but I think my thoughts are better saved for another article.

I started to become less hostile towards Christianity and started to try reaching out again to God again when I started reading books about apologetics by people such as Lee Strobel and I watched the movie about his story as he searched for evidence for Christianity as well. I also have a memory of praying to be able to go to Russia. I would always talk to my dad who has preached in many countries say,” Dad you go all around the world, why don’t we go to Russia?” I would then talk about all the cool things I had read about Russia such as the fact that it is the largest country in the world and how it had 11 time zones. My dad finally said, “Jean-Marc, I only go to places where I am invited. If I get invited to Russia, then I will find a way to bring you with me.” I remembered constantly praying, but I didn’t see it happening, so I quit praying to go to Russia. I remember thinking, “If God can do anything, then why isn’t he answering my prayers? Didn’t he hear me the first time I prayed” Due to my twisted understanding of how God always answers prayer if we had enough faith, I got very angry and it was another moment that made me decide that if God was real than it doesn’t matter since there is no guarantee that he will answer prayer. Funny enough, in 2018 or around 90 days after I quit praying to go to Russia and my dad made that agreement with me. He got an invitation to speak in a church planting conference in Novokuznetsk, Russia. I had an absolute blast in Russia. For the first time in a very long time, I felt accepted within a social circle and the feeling I had of loneliness since middle school went away. Because of this moment, I started to determine my happiness based on whether I had any chance on going back to Russia, since that was the only place where I felt accepted.

A group photo I have from my first trip to Russia in 2018.

Back in 2019, I lived right next to a Bible college. There were sometimes Russian speakers that attended the Bible college, and so I prayed that during the fall semester that there would be Russian speakers that I could practice Russian with since I don’t know many Russian speakers around my age in my city. At the Bible college I used to live close to, they have an event where they pray over all the countries that their students are from and so I decided to watch the live stream on Facebook. While I was watching the live stream, I saw that there was a student from Belarus praying for her country and a student from Germany (a country where someone in my family is planning to be a missionary to) and I later found out that they were roommates whom I will call Anastasia and Lina. As soon as I saw this, I assumed that it was an answer to prayer and so I tried to get acquainted with them. At first, they seemed friendly to me when I told them about my connections to their countries, but then they all the sudden acted hostile towards me. I remember that they even though I tried to be friendly to them they would always find ways to avoid me. I remember that I started learning some German because I have family member that is moving there and because of what happened with me and Lina, I did not even use a language app for German until about 6 months to a year if I remember correctly. What is even more unbelievable is that because of Anastasia, I almost quit learning Russian because the pain she caused me was so great. Can you believe that? I think it would be hard for many people to believe since anyone who knows me personally knows I am not who I am without the Russian language. I did not quit learning Russian; however, I had a conversation with someone in my church and I talked about what happened with me and these people and how because of it I was going to quit learning. He responded to me by saying something like,” You were interested in Russian before you met this person, so don’t let this bad experience keep you from pursuing your passion.” I had many conflicts with Anastasia especially. I remember the cycle I was in. I would start off by trying to be friendly to Anastasia, then Anastasia would find some way to get upset at me, then she would feel bad and apologize, and then the cycle would happen all over again. This happened three times if I remember correctly. Only on the third time I think, she said one of the most hurtful things that anyone has ever told me, or maybe it was so hurtful because of how she said it. It traumatized me so much that I still remember the exact words she said and the date she said them. On October 28, 2019 she harshly told me, “We’re not going to be friends. I just don’t want to. I can’t.” I remember being so wounded by these words, that I decided as I was walking back home, I was going to commit suicide the same night. I did not just have suicidal thoughts; I had a plan on how to do it. As I was looking for the things to hang myself, I was caught and taken to the hospital where I was put in inpatient psychiatry.

When I was there, it felt like a prison. Not in the sense that I was with a bunch of dangerous people, but in the sense that I was separated from the rest of the world. What bothered me the most was denying God while I was on suicide watch. I remember when I was being interviewed by one of the doctor’s there asking, “Are you a religious person? Because if you are a chaplain can visit and speak with you.” I responded by saying,” I don’t consider myself religious, but my parents are.” You might be wondering,” How could you have denied God?” The answer is that I still had a hard time letting go of my twisted mindset of God, so I assumed that if Christianity is true, then that bad thing that happened between me and Anastasia happened because God wanted it to happen. Although I did not want anything to do with any God, God was still faithful. I saw this as he provided me with some of the best and most compassionate psychiatrists in the entire country. I know this may seem like an exaggeration, but I am not exaggerating because when I talked to a different doctor to get my medication changed after suicide watch, I told him the name of the hospital where I stayed at and he responded,” There are only 4 or 5 hospitals in the entire country like it.” Coincidence? I think not.

The first photo taken of me after being discharged from suicide watch.

Looking back on my experience, the thing that I regret the most was not trusting God and denying him. As I write this story, the man that comes to mind is Joseph. I, like Joseph, had unjust things happen to me such as being sold into slavery and being taken into a foreign land (Genesis 37:12-37), but Joseph still remained loyal to God. Sort of like Job. That is the example I wish I would have followed. I also wish I had trusted God to use a situation intended for evil and use it for good, like Joseph’s story. My personal favorite verses from Genesis are from when Joseph’s brothers were afraid of how Joseph would treat them because he had sold them into slavery, he told them, “Don’t be afraid. Am I in the place of God? You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives (Genesis 50:19-20 NIV).” That is principle I have learned to apply to my life, which is to use a situation intended for evil and use it for good.

The other thing I wish I would have realized at a younger age was that not everything that happens, happens because God wanted it to happen. An example from the Bible is from is how the Apostle Peter wrote, “The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance (2 Peter 3:9 NIV).” What this verse is saying is that it is not the will of God for anyone to go to hell, but rather to repent of their sins so they can go to heaven when they die. Yet in the book of Revelation, it is made very clear that not everyone will be in heaven. As a matter of fact, it gives a list of people who will not be in heaven, “But the cowardly, the unbelieving, the vile, the murderers, the sexually immoral, those who practice magic arts, the idolaters and all liars—they will be consigned to the fiery lake of burning sulfur. This is the second death (Revelation 21:8 NIV).”

Maybe you are reading this and you are not sure that God is real. I was the same way. I was very convinced that all powerful God could not allow suffering. But I wanted to be sure whether I was right or not and I found the truth. It reminds of what God told the Israelites after Israel was destroyed and became exiles. God told them,” You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart (Jerimiah 29:13 NIV).”

The last thing I want to say that was not originally in my outline when God put it on my heart to write this is to be careful with your words. I don’t know for certain whether Anastasia meant to cause me the pain that she did, but regardless of whether she meant to or not it still hurt. A verse that immediately came to mind as a wrote this article was, “The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing (Proverbs 12:18 NIV).”

I still have problems. I still ask hard questions that I don’t know the answers to. I still don’t know why these bad things happened to me. I don’t why I had that experience I did at that youth camp. I still don’t know why Anastasia said what she said. What I do know is that regardless of whether bad things happen to you, God will find a way to use a situation that Satan intends for evil and use it for good like he did with Joseph.